sorrow is our master, cackling with laughter

Mother of Dragons.

I have never wanted to, nor will I, bear children of my own.
(and thanks to Robert soon getting a vasectomy!!!, I never will.)
My children are my patients; they demand more time, love, effort, patience, energy and insight than I could provide any hatchling of my own.
I am the Mother of Dragons; my children breathe fire upon occasion, and paint with their (and each others') blood.
... But you are not a dragon... fire cannot kill a dragon ...

And I will no longer abide leeches in my castle.


I’ve developed this compulsion of obsessively searching through my hair and snipping individual split ends. The practice in itself isn’t harmful, but (as anything) when driven to excess it can be detrimental. I spent hours obsessing over my strands, eyes transfixed, unable to pull myself away, while R worked on his laptop. After an hour, he warned me, firmly but full of gentle nurturing.

"You’ve been doing that for a long time, sweetheart. You should do something else. Didn’t you want to sew?"

I nodded in agreement, and we continued for a while. When his attention drifted away from our conversation and he noted that I’d been performing the compulsion for two hours, he commanded me to stop. I placed my scissors down for a moment to do something else, and when I reached for them again they were gone. I glared at him.

"You took my scissors!"

"I told you to stop. You didn’t listen." The gentle, nurturing tone had vanished from his voice now, though he was not cruel. But he’d issued his command.

"But. Ughhh. Noooo…" I whined, hopelessly running my hands through my hair. Frustrated with my defeat but ultimately knowing he’s right.

"If you develop a habit of trimming your split ends when you’re anxious, you’ll start seeing them when they aren’t there and then you’ll be upset that you’ve cut half of your hair off. Find something constructive to do."


You are the perfect balance. I have tried and failed with many a partner to find this fluidity. You are gentle, empathetic, nurturing, protective. Your voice can be reassuring and loving, and in the previous partners who have shown me these traits, they have crumbled into dust like fragile porcelain under the illnesses weight. My sweet sickly Simon is overbearing, controlling and demanding, and those who submit to him are consumed twice over and regurgitated again until they are nothing but bile and blackness. You possess the naturally aggressive, dominating, and just an ounce controlling nature to bind me up and blindfold me when his howling sounds the loudest. You deserve, where many of your predecessors did not, to be protected from my monster’s bite. You are far too strong to be eaten alive, and when you see him looking through my eyes, you know what to ask of me when all I can see or feel or taste is empty. Simon is biting, gnawing, hacking, burning. And you ask for kindness and gentleness and connection, to be close to the part of me that is not diseased by doubt. Without even trying, you soothe the endless questioning in my head. Your needs for connection and affection soothe his doubt and drag me back, and I am yours, all yours.

I celebrate the day that you changed my history of life and death
You are my liberty
I celebrate the day
That you changed my history of
Life and death
Will always lead you into love and regret
But you have answers
And I have the key for the door to Bernadette.”

This year, I need, fervently...
To go Home.

I don't know how I'll do it. Dragon*Con is so close to autumn I likely won't have enough time off to go up in October...
But... I need... Autumn.
I need the feeling of Halloween, and cold wind, and... vermilion in the leaves....

Someday, I'll come back to stay.
Lord Stasis is choking me today.
And I am Sheogorath, Prince of Madness, the embodiment of change...
Lability, roaring, constantly in flux. I need frozen ice underneath my feet, the sound of frozen raindrops, crystalline...

I need to go Home.

The beauty is, I'm learning how to face my beast.
I've caught myself a few times recently thinking how surreal my life has become; there are moments when I look around, in my highly stylized home, or comfortably chatting with my favorite patients, or listening to R breathe while he slumbers next to me, that I couldn't have imagined myself in a more different, or a more lovely situation this time last year. I had sacrificed my dearest friend, my "psuedobrother" for a chance at a relationship in a misguided fit of mania-induced rage, and lost my entire social circle in the process. David was, and to some extent, still is, my security blanket. I feel safest at a club, even when we aren't near each other, if he's there. If anyone were to lay a finger on me, David would make them into mince meat, and it's a very reassuring thought. But without him, I isolated; I locked myself in a cage and threw away the key, afraid of what further damage would come of me if he wasn't there to play, as an ex so adoringly referred to him, "gaurd-dog." I don't need him all the time now. When Devin and I were dating, I even ventured out a few times without David or Devin, and had fun. Now that I'm involved with someone who is interested in my scene, R and I are rarely seperated, as we enjoy the same spo0o0oky events.

But I'm still a sick person, I'm still unwell, and there are times when I get sad for a petty or unidentifiable reason. I think I need a list like this sometimes to remind myself how far I've come and how much things have changed. So I've decided to divide this up by category, as it would be a rambling, disjointed mess without some sort of identifiable outline.

To begin:
My home/living situation - I now own my own home, which Dave and I have drastically altered and decorated to suit our spooky goth tastes. I have my own backyard, which allows me to have a Siberian Husky, a breed of dog I've wanted since childhood. I'm back living with my psuedobrother, and soon R will likely formally live with us. (He might as well now, but it's not official.) Last year, though I was comfortable with my home and had decorated my room at least, I wasn't living with my pseudobrother, and we didn't have the space to accomidate out-of-town friends like I do now, and my at-the-time sig other was against me buying any of my own furniture. I have an awesome sectional setup, and as of friday we'll have a dining set large enough to comfortably house D&D at the house. :3

My job - I've switched from working to a private psychiatric hospital to the state mental hospital out in macclenny. My pay has increased substancially, my job is MUCH more calm and enjoyable, and I get to know my patients - they're with me at a minimum of six months, so I develop real relationships with them. Not to mention the awesome state benefits and educational loan forgiveness and tuition coverage ~ My previous job became absolutely hellish by the end of it, and though the drive out here is rather far, I'm more than reimbursed for it, financially as well as emotionally. Plus, it gives me a reason to buy a new car ;D

My relationship - R and I actually met while I was dating Devin, who regularly referred to me as "the female version of Robert." We're not entirely identical, of course, but we have a lot of the some issues, many of the same ideologies (I cannot convey in words how much of a relief it is to be dating a fellow atheist), and a plethora of similar interests. His taste in music is perfect, he's knowledgable on many psychopharmacological substances and neurotransmitters, he does *not* want children, he loves high fantasy and video games. Out of any relationship I've ever experienced, no one has been able (or even willing, really) to handle the paranoid traits I have the way he is. He devised a plan of action when I'm feeling anxious that is completely irrefutable in Simon's eyes (as we have thus named my crazies, which even further separates the illness from "us"--paranoia =/= mistrust, and identifying Simon as separate clarifies that), and no matter what I'm instantly defused. I've actually thought of this exact method before, but others have shot me down, so I was surprised when he suggested it. And as far as our bedroom activities, I'll summarize with this: while watching Sherlock, I commented during the scene with Irene beating Sherlock with a riding crop, "ugh, I wish someone would do that to me"... he responded by smirking, "I'll bring mine over tomorrow night." This is a stark contrast from my previous relationship (I'm not even counting Devin here, hah) where we had limited similar interests, virtually zero knowledge of each other's fields, the sex was mundane and boring, and I didn't care for his friends. R's "fire kids" are sweet and hilarious, for the most part. I've never been more excited to go to Dragon*Con <3

My social life- is much more active, and there's rarely a day I'm not hanging out with a group of people somewhere, there's rarely a friday we aren't at whatever event TSI is hosting, and if I do happen to spend the day "alone", I'm never really alone  - David or R at the minimum are in my presence, even if it's just myself crafting, David playing video games or violin and R studying, we're never alone <3

you're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead
strength in my bones put the words in my head
when it pours out to paper, it's all for you

(no subject)

If you're the sun, I'm a black hole...

If you don't change your evil ways and end this peacefully
You'll bleed to feed, the demon in me
I beg you before you're digested, shred your legs and see
You'll bleed to feed, the demon in me
You won't curry favor with that flavor, curried tastefully
You'll bleed to feed, the demon in me
I'll swallow you and grind you up, and you will cease to be



Happiness in Chaos.

… or in other words, a new BPAL order!

I just purchased full sizes of: Chaotic, Dorian, and Blood Rose.
And the following samples:
death cap
dragon’s bone
the red queen
miskatonic university
vicomte de valmont
jersey devil
black forest
forest reverie

… My mailbox is going to be a happy place indeed!

Monster mine +

My talent is empathy, a divine sympathy
Though I'd kill to taste your unfeeling
With a kiss you drained all the light from within me
And filled my mouth with blood and broken glass
Now there's nothing that stops the bleeding

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.


(no subject)
Watching Twin Peaks (as HOMEWORK which is unfathomably awesome in itself).
Going to slip back into my psuedoRumple costume and take photos when boyfriend is home...
Then cuddle up, watch Once, and drink chocolate wine and eat cupcakes.

I also have an obnoxiously large golden clock to adorn my walls now. <3

The One.

Who danced with me before now
Who joined me at the ship’s bow
Who held my frightened form still?
And now you say that you will
But in the years behind me,
Who ever cared to find me?
Who stayed me when the tears ran
And now you say that you can
Forgive my sad suspicion
But hear my admonition
None yet have hoped for rescue
And now you say that you do
Oh how I’ve wished past caring
That one might be so daring
And sail me to the next star
I almost think you are...

Posted via LiveJournal app for iPhone.

You make me sick.
One message from you is all it takes. 
I am rendered incapacitated, sick, a 12/10 on the pain scale, puking my guts out. 

... I have chronic headaches, and we blame it on the fact that my temporomandibular joint is crushing my trigeminal nerve on the right side. 
But not like that. Not on the meds. 

No matter what happens, you'll always be able to reduce me to ashes. 

"Let me ruin your life, let me break your heart, then I’ll ask you why we can’t be friends. Let me rip your world into little pieces, let me destroy who you thought you were, and then I’ll ask if we can be friends.”


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