sorrow is our master, cackling with laughter

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The beauty is, I'm learning how to face my beast.
I've caught myself a few times recently thinking how surreal my life has become; there are moments when I look around, in my highly stylized home, or comfortably chatting with my favorite patients, or listening to R breathe while he slumbers next to me, that I couldn't have imagined myself in a more different, or a more lovely situation this time last year. I had sacrificed my dearest friend, my "psuedobrother" for a chance at a relationship in a misguided fit of mania-induced rage, and lost my entire social circle in the process. David was, and to some extent, still is, my security blanket. I feel safest at a club, even when we aren't near each other, if he's there. If anyone were to lay a finger on me, David would make them into mince meat, and it's a very reassuring thought. But without him, I isolated; I locked myself in a cage and threw away the key, afraid of what further damage would come of me if he wasn't there to play, as an ex so adoringly referred to him, "gaurd-dog." I don't need him all the time now. When Devin and I were dating, I even ventured out a few times without David or Devin, and had fun. Now that I'm involved with someone who is interested in my scene, R and I are rarely seperated, as we enjoy the same spo0o0oky events.

But I'm still a sick person, I'm still unwell, and there are times when I get sad for a petty or unidentifiable reason. I think I need a list like this sometimes to remind myself how far I've come and how much things have changed. So I've decided to divide this up by category, as it would be a rambling, disjointed mess without some sort of identifiable outline.

To begin:
My home/living situation - I now own my own home, which Dave and I have drastically altered and decorated to suit our spooky goth tastes. I have my own backyard, which allows me to have a Siberian Husky, a breed of dog I've wanted since childhood. I'm back living with my psuedobrother, and soon R will likely formally live with us. (He might as well now, but it's not official.) Last year, though I was comfortable with my home and had decorated my room at least, I wasn't living with my pseudobrother, and we didn't have the space to accomidate out-of-town friends like I do now, and my at-the-time sig other was against me buying any of my own furniture. I have an awesome sectional setup, and as of friday we'll have a dining set large enough to comfortably house D&D at the house. :3

My job - I've switched from working to a private psychiatric hospital to the state mental hospital out in macclenny. My pay has increased substancially, my job is MUCH more calm and enjoyable, and I get to know my patients - they're with me at a minimum of six months, so I develop real relationships with them. Not to mention the awesome state benefits and educational loan forgiveness and tuition coverage ~ My previous job became absolutely hellish by the end of it, and though the drive out here is rather far, I'm more than reimbursed for it, financially as well as emotionally. Plus, it gives me a reason to buy a new car ;D

My relationship - R and I actually met while I was dating Devin, who regularly referred to me as "the female version of Robert." We're not entirely identical, of course, but we have a lot of the some issues, many of the same ideologies (I cannot convey in words how much of a relief it is to be dating a fellow atheist), and a plethora of similar interests. His taste in music is perfect, he's knowledgable on many psychopharmacological substances and neurotransmitters, he does *not* want children, he loves high fantasy and video games. Out of any relationship I've ever experienced, no one has been able (or even willing, really) to handle the paranoid traits I have the way he is. He devised a plan of action when I'm feeling anxious that is completely irrefutable in Simon's eyes (as we have thus named my crazies, which even further separates the illness from "us"--paranoia =/= mistrust, and identifying Simon as separate clarifies that), and no matter what I'm instantly defused. I've actually thought of this exact method before, but others have shot me down, so I was surprised when he suggested it. And as far as our bedroom activities, I'll summarize with this: while watching Sherlock, I commented during the scene with Irene beating Sherlock with a riding crop, "ugh, I wish someone would do that to me"... he responded by smirking, "I'll bring mine over tomorrow night." This is a stark contrast from my previous relationship (I'm not even counting Devin here, hah) where we had limited similar interests, virtually zero knowledge of each other's fields, the sex was mundane and boring, and I didn't care for his friends. R's "fire kids" are sweet and hilarious, for the most part. I've never been more excited to go to Dragon*Con <3

My social life- is much more active, and there's rarely a day I'm not hanging out with a group of people somewhere, there's rarely a friday we aren't at whatever event TSI is hosting, and if I do happen to spend the day "alone", I'm never really alone  - David or R at the minimum are in my presence, even if it's just myself crafting, David playing video games or violin and R studying, we're never alone <3

you're what keeps me believing the world's not gone dead
strength in my bones put the words in my head
when it pours out to paper, it's all for you


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